Frederick M. Hueston, PhD  

Stone Care Consultant 

I was sitting at my favorite greasy spoon, having a cup of jo and listening to all the war stories from the old guys who hung out there every day.     

They seem to tell the same story every day, over and over again. I’m kind of a regular myself, but my stories are all about stone, which these guys don’t find that interesting. If I wanted to shut them up I just start telling them one of my stories. They sit there like a deer in the headlights and give me a look like I’m Looney  Toons or something.  

I was just about to order some breakfast when my phone rang. I looked down at it and didn’t recognize the number, so I let it go to voice mail. 

Geez, I thought, it’s 7 am and someone is having a stone emergency.  

I no sooner put my phone down and it rang again. Yup, the same number. I resisted the urge to answer it and again let it go to my voicemail. After a few minutes I checked my voice mail – nothing there – and then my phone rang again. 

Wow, this person is desperate, so I answered it this time. The voice on the other end was this soft female voice. She almost sounded like she was whispering. In my head I imagined she looked like Marilyn Monroe. Hmmm, maybe if I get to meet her I’ll have her sing happy birthday to me. I had to step outside to hear what she was saying.  

She said, “We have a white marble floor in our office building and it has some blue spots, and I have no idea what they are.” She said none of the contractors she called knew what to do and she wanted me to come out and take a look at it. 

“No problem,” I said, “and I will be over there in about an hour, if that’s OK?”

A little while later, I pulled up to the building and there were several women outside having a smoke. I parked the Woody and headed for the front door. One of the smokers stopped me before I could open it. 

She said in a very soft, sultry tone, “Are you the Stone Detective?”  

Holy crap, she looked just like Marilyn Monroe, blond, full lips, and – well, you get the picture. She reached out to shake my hand and said, “Hi, I’m Mary. Let me show you the blue spots.”  

She led me into the lobby and pointed to a corner where there was a large blue spot. It had to be about two feet in diameter. There were several more in another corner. I said, “I need to look around for a minute and I will get back to you.” She excused herself and headed back outside.  

Now, my students have learned from me that you cannot remove a stain until you can identify what the stain is, so with that said, I set out to try and find out what in the world this stain could be. As George Carlin used to say, “Why isn’t there any blue food?”  

The stains were in the corner so I suspected that there might be something behind the wall or something dripping from the ceiling. I checked behind the wall and looked up at the ceiling and everything seemed to be normal. 

There was nothing sitting near the marble. It was just a corner in the lobby. I hate it when I can’t figure something out. After all, I am the Stone Detective. I sat down on one of the couches in the middle of the lobby to do my Thinker impression. I must have sat there for about 20 minutes when all of sudden this lady came walking out with a cart and one of those garden sprayers. 

She walked over to several plants and started spraying them. All of a sudden a light came on in my head and I walked up to her and asked if there was ever a potted plant in the corners where the stains where. 

She said, “Why yes, there was.” I looked down at her cart and noticed a box of plant food. Bingo. Anyone who has indoor plants knows that Miracle Grow and similar plant food is blue. So, can you guess where the blue stains were coming from? 

Another case solved. Now I’ll just go tell Mary and see if she will sing for me.

The Stone Detective is a fictional character created by Fred Hueston, written to be entertaining and educational. He has written over 33 books on stone and tile installations, fabrication and restoration and also serves as an expert for many legal cases across the world. You can send any email comments to him at fhueston@stoneforensics.com.